The net result for both of us is that we are laying down new neural pathways in our brains. We are able to be more responsive than reactive. I see what a gift it has been that he has not been able to move out yet. We needed to do more healing first. We needed to break this cycle so that when we separate, we can have a peaceful coparenting relationship. 

The greatest threat to our sovereignty is our fear. When we are in a state of fear, we are susceptible to external influence. We may ascribe to particular principles, doctrines, and dogma. In this way, we allow our brains, our bodies, our hearts, and even our souls to be compromised by outside thoughts, beliefs, and influences.

 It is humbling, the recognition that we are not in charge of the timing of events. That on the human level, we don’t actually have control. Control is an illusion. The only thing we have control over is letting go of control. 

A few weeks ago, the boys and I went to the mountains. This was the first trip I took with them by myself. I thought it would be harder. I thought for sure there would be too many meltdowns, too many negotiations, logistics that would be too challenging to navigate. And then the boys and I set off, not knowing how it would go, but leaning into each other. It was the easiest and most fun trip I’ve had with them. With just them, I was able to find my own inner child, to remember my family’s fondness for horses and ride through a river on horseback for the first time, share my love of nature, delight in the sites and scenes, and be a kid again at an amusement park. I paid for the trip with the funds from my business. It was the first time I was able to do this too. The universe has a way of creating cliffs for us to jump off of when we need to learn a lesson...

I was fifteen when this picture was taken, I can remember wondering what was wrong with me as I stared out the window. Thirty years later, having finally figured it out, I am looking at my life with a fresh lens….

From the ashes of our old life, we will rise as we grow together. We will still be a family, but separate spaces will give us the space we need to continue healing without perpetuating our codependent pattern.