Breaking Cycles for My Boys
A year ago I wrote about physical healing. The latest scans are completely clear.
As I finished healing physically, I began researching what had made me sick in the first place. I came to believe that unresolved childhood trauma - what researchers call Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs - had played a significant role. So I created the emotional healing course and began using the tools on myself.
What followed was a gradual sorting of my personal history, especially the parts that had resisted reflection. The tools helped soften that resistance so i could process what had been buried - taming triggers, seeing shadows, watching them shrink as I brought them to light. I used to think I was broken beyond repair. Now I understand we are all just puzzle pieces finding our way back together.
A few weeks ago we went on our annual family vacation. I was anxious beforehand - it tends to be an intergenerational minefield of neurodivergent dysregulation where, like dominoes, one person goes off and the rest tumble into full meltdown. All. Week. Long.
This time I made a point of saying I wanted us to focus on regulation, accountability, and gratitude. When I explained this to our nine-year-old he lit up. “Mom! It’s an acronym - RAG. Instead of ragging on each other, we do these three things.”
So we did. We even added acknowledgement - recognizing when someone has apologized and thanking them for it. The trip went more smoothly than any before it. My mom acknowledged that waste was a trigger for her. I acknowledged that feeling like I couldn’t please everyone was a huge trigger for me. For the first time in our relationship, we felt genuinely seen.
On the way home our nine-year-old had an epic meltdown - exhausted from too many late nights and too much junk food. When I saw he couldn’t regulate himself, I wrapped my arms around him, kept telling him to breathe, that I loved him, that he was doing great. He calmed down and thanked me.
We stopped at a Starbucks afterward. I went into order and felt the tears coming.
But when I checked in with myself, I realized they were tears of gratitude. When he was younger, his meltdowns would have triggered the chaos inside me. I would have struggled to regulate myself, let alone help him. This time I wasn’t triggered. Not only did I not need to regulate myself - I was able to help him co-regulate.
Sitting there quietly weeping, I realized I had given my son what i had most craved at his age: validation, comfort, and safety. I had let him know he was not alone. In that hug, I sent healing back in time, to my child self, and forward to his adult self.
This is what cycle breaking actually looks like. Not a dramatic moment of resolution, but a quiet Tuesday in a Starbucks, crying because something that used to break you no longer does.
The subconscious shapes roughly ninety-five percent of our thoughts and behaviors. We are largely guided by the unprocessed experiences of our past. Traditional therapy helped me understand mine - but understanding alone wasn’t enough to change my responses. The defenses my ego had built to protect me also kept me from feeling what needed to be felt in order to heal.
Energy healing worked differently. It moved around those defenses, dissolving emotional blocks at a level that talking couldn’t reach, allowing me to finally feel and release what had been stored in my body. This is why I wasn’t triggered when my son melted down. I had processed many of those triggers out.
Cycle breakers tend to be the ones who hold up a mirror to family dysfunction - and bear the discomfort that comes with it. We may be tempted to toe the line. Instead, we draw one, setting boundaries rather than burning bridges, focusing on our own healing and trusting that we cannot do that work for anyone else.
It is a radical act of self-love. For ourselves. And for our children.
On this trip, that love was reflected back to me. I could see it clearly. More than that - I could feel it.
1. Adverse Childhood Experiences: Ports, K. A., Holman, D. M., Guinn, A. S., Pampati, S., Dyer, K. E., Merrick, M. T., Lunsford, N. B., & Metzler, M. (2019). Adverse Childhood Experiences and the Presence of Cancer Risk Factors in Adulthood: A Scoping Review of the Literature From 2005 to 2015. Journal of pediatric nursing, 44, 81–96. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pedn.2018.10.009
2. Research on Parents with Childhood Trauma: Fraiberg-Ghosts-in-Nursery.pdf copy
Ghosts in the nursery. (n.d.). https://frcnca.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Ghosts-in-the-nursery-paper-copy.pdf
