The Sun and My Sons
We recently went on our annual Disney trip. I was anxious about it, but it’s the highlight of the boys’ year. There was the moment when our just turned five year old was angry that I wouldn’t buy him a twenty dollar car at CVS, and in his anger shouted “You don’t deserve to live!” It triggered me. For someone who has had to fight to stay alive, literally since birth, and has lost all four of my siblings, it enraged me. So I drove him back to the timeshare, left him with my family, and went to a coffee shop to process. When I got back, he hugged me and told me how sorry he was. I knew he was just angry, feeling powerless, and trying to feel power in any way that he could. I wanted to walk a line between understanding that and helping him understand that words can hurt. So, I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, that I knew he was angry, that I had done things when I was angry that I regretted, but that it did hurt me. We talked about ways that we can manage our anger.
The next moment came at Epcot. Our ten-year-old was fixated on a particular ride and wanted to go straight there, but the rest of us wanted to walk around first. He said something snarky about the time to his dad, and his dad snapped at him, prompting our son to scream “This is why Mommy hates you.” Their dad said “That’s it, I’m leaving!” I told our son, “That was kind of mean.” So he apologized to his dad. I told their dad that he could Uber home if he wanted and started to walk, pretty much unfazed. After that, there weren't any major hiccups. At the end of the trip, my mom commented that it was the best trip we’d taken overall. My mom said “It's because of you, You're doing so well mentally and emotionally. The mother is the sun. And everyone in the family orbits around you. When you’re doing well, we feed off of that.”
Rejection has always been a trigger for me. It makes me angry. Probably because anger is a surface emotion and helps me feel more powerful when I’m sad or afraid. I recently applied for a position with a group practice. I was getting ready to go for a walk with our ten year old when the email came through saying they weren’t interested. I felt the anger rise up, then said to my son, “I’m angry because you’re making me wait!” So I left to walk without him. I reflected on it, and I realized that the anger had nothing to do with him. The anger was caused by the sadness I felt at being rejected. When I got back, I apologized and explained that I projected my anger onto him, but it was really anger at being rejected. “That’s okay mom. And you aren’t supposed to work somewhere else. You need to have your own practice. Remember what you told me? Rejection is protection.” I may be the sun for them, but they are absolutely my suns, shining a light on where I still need to heal, but also, where my own light shines bright.
