Coercive Control: More Common Than You Think. Here’s How to Break Free
This summer, I was at the beach with the boys one day when the family next to us started packing up their shibumi. They had two boys, like me, but the mom and dad were both present. The father’s voice became elevated “No shit!” he said, dripping with sarcasm. Then, “God dammit! I told you not to put it there!” I kept my eyes averted, but I turned so I could see who he was talking to. It was the mother. The boys were frozen. I recognized that freeze. My eleven year old could see my mind working: “Don’t say anything mom.” I assured him that I wouldn’t. The situation was too volatile. But I wanted to tell her: Start making a plan. She had probably married her trauma. After all, it’s what we do. But she doesn’t have to stay married to it. So many women live like this.
By definition, coercive control is a pattern of behavior, not a single incident, where one partner systematically restricts another’s freedom, autonomy, and sense of self in order to gain and maintain power. It’s often invisible from the outside because it doesn't require physical violence. The control is the abuse. What makes it so sneaky to name is that in isolation, any of these behaviors can be explained away. Unfortunately, technology normalizes coercive control. It’s not uncommon for a partner to track the other’s location under the guise of concern.
And it is so much more common than we realize. I recently had coffee with a fellow therapist friend. She said she could count at least a half a dozen women whose husbands guilt them for going out with their friends. Not an all-nighter. Just dinner or coffee with a friend. They don’t overtly tell them they can’t, but they make it so hard that their wives just give up and stay home, as in “I don’t like when you’re away so long” or “I can’t deal with the bedtime routine on my own.” Or, worst of all, “The kids will miss you.” That usually does it: no mom wants to be the bad mom.
And even if a woman does manage to go out, she may be subject to monitoring, as in texts that say “Where are you? You said you’d be home by 8 (at 8:10).” The big ones, and the ones that keep women from leaving, are financial control and degradation, as we saw for the mom on the beach. There’s also micro regulation of daily life: controlling what someone eats, wears, how they spend their time, or enforcing rules that reinforce dependency and compliance. And, finally, gaslighting: denying things happened, reframing the abuser’s behavior as the victim’s fault, distorting the person’s memory or perception until they doubt themselves. Not every abuser uses every one of these tactics. And it doesn’t happen all at once. It starts slowly and builds over years, until a woman who once ran her own life has no idea how much money she has, and they are so worn down psychologically that they don’t believe they can make it on their own. And if they have children, the guilt is almost unbearable.
In my own experience, the boys’ dad was fine with me meeting my friends for coffee or a meal. But he controlled the money, the food, and specialized in gaslighting and degradation. On one occasion just before he moved out, he insisted on making a meal for me while he told me how stupid I was, how I had no self awareness, and how I was a terrible mother. I told him I wasn’t going to touch that food. He screamed “Why won’t you accept my help?!” “Food you’re making for me while disparaging me? That’s not help, that’s control.” I had to leave the house with the boys. When we returned, it was my fault. I had “spun him up.” I just went back to my bedroom, counting down the days until he moved out. This is why I wanted to tell the mom on the beach: start making a plan.
Mine took ten years total. But I did it. First a graduate certificate. Then a masters degree. Then two years as an associate clinician. Deliberately, building, biding my time. Until I could take care of my boys and me. For nearly two decades, I was convinced there wasn't nearly enough money for me to support myself and my children. Yet when I told him it was time to go, he suddenly got a raise. When we make the decision to take a stand, we summon the resources we'll need to execute the plan.
What matters most is helping other women understand that control is not love, no matter what disguise it comes in. Even when it’s mistaken for concern. If you want to know if it’s control, see how he reacts when you push back. If he becomes dysregulated, that’s control. And no amount of reassurance, explanations, or arguments, no matter how articulate, will keep them calm. It's time to make a plan and get control of your finances. For me, whether sitting with my boys on a beach, listening to the waves wash up on the shore, or at the top of a mountain, breathing the fresh air, the taste of freedom is priceless.
