The Son Also Rises: Masculinity, Male Mentorship, and How We Rise from the Despair of the Cornell Case
nce his dad moved out, my eleven year old has stepped more fully into his mentorship role with his younger brother. When the younger one has an autistic rage, he is right by my side, holding a pillow to protect himself, guiding the younger one to process his anger in healthy ways. When the rage has run its course, and his nervous system returns to it’s resting state, my five year old will collapse into his brother’s arms and cry, feeling the relief of his protector, his mentor, his best friend. For my five year old, his brother and I are his safe spaces. He trusts us to hold the feelings he can’t express elsewhere. With us, he can set it down. I marvel at his older brother’s nurturing presence, both contained and boundaried while also being calm and caring. I’m careful not to parentify him and set boundaries around discipline. It is me who makes the rules and doles out consequences “You can have your screen time once your room is clean.” But there is something happening here. Something far more ancient is afoot.
In our ancient ways, the older boys and young men would shepherd the younger ones into society. Brotherhood was infused with rites of passage, social mores, and codes of conduct. In light of the Cornell case, I know that what is most missing from young men’s lives is this mentorship. Am I saying their actions are justified? Absolutely not. As a woman, I would never. But I do tend to discern the root of our societal issues because I know that’s how change is catalyzed. How do I know this is what is most missing for our boys and young men? Because I’ve witnessed it, personally and professionally. I’ve witnessed boys who are addicted to screens and video games, seeing the older boys and men in their lives doing the same. Becoming more filled with rage with each escalating level of the video game. Men have lost their role as it was originally prescribed: To protect women and children. That’s not intellectual, it’s physiological. We need more men living with purpose. A man attacking a woman is a perversion of the original code. A societal and spiritual crisis we can’t afford to ignore anymore.
My son has shown us the way: older boys and men teaching protection, connection, and containment.
We need to teach our young men to belong again. To their family, their community, to something greater than themselves. We need to teach them to protect those who are more vulnerable. That means standing up to bullies, standing up for girls, and younger children. Themes of masculinity and the concept of a “lost generation” are just as pertinent today as it was when Hemingway wrote his post WWI masterpiece. Men have always gone to war. Men’s need for adventure and belonging is crucial to their mental health and wellbeing. How do we meet these needs in constructive, rather than destructive, ways? What helps men feel found and secure in their masculinity is a sense of purpose. Without it, they are filled with rage. Ticking time bombs waiting to explode. We need to teach them to process their rage in healthy ways. In ancient times, it was the thrill of the hunt. Now it's a punching bag. Or a pillow.
