Over the Mountain: Reclaiming My Power, Finding Our Peace

A few weeks ago, the boys and I went to the mountains. This was the first trip I took with them by myself. I thought it would be harder. I thought for sure there would be too many meltdowns, too many negotiations, logistics that would be too challenging to navigate. And then the boys and I set off, not knowing how it would go, but leaning into each other. It was the easiest and most fun trip I’ve had with them. With just them, I was able to find my own inner child, to remember my family’s fondness for horses and ride through a river on horseback for the first time, share my love of nature, delight in the sites and scenes, and be a kid again at an amusement park. I paid for the trip with the funds from my business. It was the first time I was able to do this too. The universe has a way of creating cliffs for us to jump off of when we need to learn a lesson. 

Originally, we were supposed to go up to the mountains with my mom and stay in a VRBO she had rented. But that morning, she had come into our house, raised her voice to the boys' dad, and shook her finger at him in anger. The issue was that he had attempted to triangulate me by sharing with me that she had gone behind my back to tell him that she agreed with him on the issue of selling the house. Ironically, she was triangulating too. So they were mad at each other because they both got caught trying to triangulate. The point is moot anyway. We can't sell the house until the summer of 2026 because we have a VA loan, and we have to wait two years to sell. 

The way I handle triangulation is by going straight to the person who supposedly said something about me and asking for clarification. This happened once before with one of my stepsons. When his dad told me an issue in their relationship was my fault, I went straight to my stepson to clear the air. He assured me that I had nothing to do with it. It had gone so beautifully that I decided to do the same with my mom. She admitted that she had gone to him, and we worked through it. But she w.as angry at him for telling me. It seemed to her that he was trying to drive a wedge between us. I don’t think he was. I think he just wanted to manipulate me into agreeing with his point of view.  And she had done the same by going to him behind my back. In general, when people triangulate, I don’t think their primary intention is to drive a wedge between people. I think it is to manipulate the situation and get what they want out of it. The third party is really just a pawn in the ploy. Neither the boys' dad or my mom was trying to drive a wedge between myself and the other. 

My mom and I had agreed not to travel together because she wanted to leave early in the morning, and I knew we wouldn’t be ready by then. I also get anxious when traveling in a vehicle with her or the boys’ dad because of previous incidents where they exploded while driving. I was out at the store grabbing last minute provisions when she had come into the house. No one told me what had happened. Two hours into the drive however, the boys spilled the beans. I got a sinking feeling, and I decided to call her to see if we could work through it and set some boundaries for the trip. She tried to deny that she had raised her voice. When I told her that our ten year old had witnessed the whole thing, however, she admitted it. I asked her if we could make a plan to help her regulate during the trip. She got upset, saying I wasn’t one of her clients. I told her that she came into my home and raised her voice at the boys’ father in front of them, which meant that she was obviously angry, and we needed to make a plan for all of us to regulate. She refused.

At that point, I had a choice: turn around, skip the trip, or stay with her knowing she would be explosive. I didn’t want to disappoint the boys, but I felt I would be walking into a minefield. I got off the phone with her, pulled over at a shopping center, and collected my thoughts. I knew I had enough in my business account, that their dad doesn’t have access to, to pay for the trip. I went on Expedia, found a Sleep Inn, and booked it. The boys were elated. “You did it mom! You saved the trip, and we don’t have to worry about grandma yelling at us!” As we were driving up there, I reflected on the choices I had made in my life, especially when it came to finances, and how that affected my personal power. I had spent the last decade of my life as a stay-at-home mom, always having to ask permission to spend money on what I wanted. I do believe it was what was best for our boys, especially since they’re neurodivergent, but it came at a cost. Because their dad was paying the bills, I put up with things I shouldn’t have. 

When I started working again, the power in the relationship began to shift. He started behaving better, especially after I told him that I wanted to separate. It amazed me, his sudden ability, after all of these years, to regulate his emotions. As I reflected on the road, I realized that over the years, the boys’ dad had always been in charge of driving on family trips. He’d always led me to believe I couldn’t handle the boys on my own. He’d always controlled the money. I didn't realize how much of our marriage had been about control. I didn’t realize how much I’d come to believe I couldn't do it on my own. As I continued to reflect, I realized it was the same dynamic that I had with my mom: when she paid for things, I had to put up with her explosive behavior. 

We got to the Sleep Inn, and it was really cute. They had a beautiful koi pond outside, and the place was clean and well kept. The first night, the boys were playing a game of jumping from one bed to another, and our four-year-old hit his shin on the bed frame. It took a chunk out, so I told my ten-year-old to run downstairs and ask the front desk if they had antibiotic ointment and a band aid. He returned five minutes later with a few band-aids and some antiseptic wipes. After patching the little one up, we settled down to sleep. The next morning, after continental breakfast, we headed to Tweetsie Railroad. My mom had agreed to meet us there. The first thing she did was apologize to the boys for her behavior. I was stunned. She had actually reflected on her behavior, owned up to it, and apologized. I realized that when it comes to personal relationships, money is power. Just as in my relationship with my husband, having the funds to pay for the trip had shifted the power and forced my mother to be accountable for her behavior if she wanted to spend time with her grandsons. And I realized that my relationship with the boys’ dad mirrored my relationship with my mother.

Ironically, I had married him at a time when I had been very sick with chronic fatigue and wasn’t going to be able to work for a while. I thought he would take care of me and give me time to heal, which he did. But I had given away my power in the process. Because I needed health insurance, I stayed married to him after his first explosive episode. And then, because my now ten-year-old was neurodivergent and kept dropping out of preschool, I stayed home with him, trading my own emotional safety for his. After walking on eggshells for the first eighteen years of my life, I had spent another eighteen years doing it. All because I didn’t have the financial freedom to walk away. 

Driving home from the mountains, I thought about how things may have been different if I’d made different choices, and then I looked at the boys in the rear-view mirror. It made me smile, seeing their sweet faces, and I realized that it had all worked out as it was supposed to. But the lesson has been learned. I will not depend financially on anyone again. I will always have enough that I can walk away if needed. I will be careful to preserve my power and my energy. I won’t spend it in places that do not give me a return on my investment. In the meantime, I look forward to many more trips and adventures for the boys and me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.