Leaning into the Light
Originally published May 29, 2023
As a coach, healer, and therapist in training, I have come to understand that being ambivalent about change is human. Being afraid to look at our wounds, our brokenness, our darkness, is normal. Why would we want to? We want to live in the light. Right?
David Allison is an Intuitive Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Reiki Master. David reminds us that “if we're searching for that one person who will change our life, we need to take a look in the mirror.” David and I talked about what keeps people from moving forward. I asked him pointedly what causes them to shift from resistance to readiness for change. His answer? “When the blue sky is worth moving past the pain.”
I can relate to this. I recently went through what spiritual folks call a “Dark night of the soul.” It was as if the old me was dying and a new me was being born. I was going through labor pains, so to speak. What was I releasing? What was I afraid of? What was coming up from the darkness ready to be released into the light of day?
I was releasing layers of false confidence and a need for validation that had manifested as a result of my trauma. I was releasing fear that people would discover my feelings of shame. My shame that I am not the mother I want to be. I’m not the wife I want to be. Or the human, for that matter. What was coming up was all of the fear of abandonment, fear of judgment, fear of being exposed as a fraud. What was coming up from the darkness was all of these things.
But here’s the thing about darkness: What is in the shadows are really just the things we can't or are not ready to see. When I set the intention to shine a light on what was ready to be released, all of these things came up. And when they did, I saw them clearly: I was still that baby in the NICU, giving up on life after five months in an incubator. I was still that girl on the playground, being told only the pretty girls could play. I was still that woman on my wedding day, marrying the man who I thought would save me. Because I thought I needed saving.
So I sent her healing. The baby. The girl. The younger woman. As I visualized the symbols, then sent them to the scenes I could remember in my mind, I felt the despair, the loneliness, the longing. And then, I felt them lift. Out of my heart. Out of my stomach. Out of my head. And I was left with a feeling of peace. That night I slept in a deep, deep sleep.
I woke in the morning before everyone else in the house. I felt a buzzing in my energy field, then high pitched tones in my ears. My frequencies were recalibrating to a higher vibration. I was still broken in places, but some pieces had been brought back. I no longer felt the fear of abandonment, the ache of not belonging, the need to be saved. I was here for myself. I belonged, as Maya Angelo once said, in no place, and in every place, to everyone, and to no one.
I belonged to myself. I had saved myself. I had not just moved past the pain, but released it. I was free to move forward. To be more present in my daily life. A little lighter. A little more whole. A little more of who I want to be in the world. The labor pains were subsiding. I made a cup of coffee, stepped outside, and gazed up at the light coming through on the horizon, the pink hues piercing through the dark, giving way to a clear blue sky. I felt it in my bones. David was right. Definitely worth it.
Note:
A dark night is not the same as depression. Although it can feel similar, the key distinction is with a dark night, we are aware that we are processing through pain. We know it is temporary and necessary for our spiritual growth. We are aware that we are moving through a spiritual trial, that our purge has a purpose, and that we will come out the other side as a new, upgraded version of ourselves.
Some dark nights can last for years. I used the Evolution symbols to move through the process fairly quickly. However, everyone has their own path. Sometimes extended dark nights are necessary for one’s soul growth and evolution. I spent a decade in a dark night when I was sick with Chronic Fatigue that culminated in meningitis and encephalitis. It was necessary for me to heal myself so that I would know how to heal my children and help others heal.
